Political Science Through Cow Ownership

DEMOCRAT

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
You feel guilty for being successful.

You take someone else's cow and give it to your neighbor.
Barbara Streisand sings for you.

REPUBLICAN

You have two cows.
Your neighbor has none.
So?

UNDER SOCIALISM

You have two cows.

Your neighbor has none
The government takes one and gives it to your neighbor.
They form a cooperative and tell you how to manage your remaining cow.

UNDER COMMUNISM

You have two cows.
The government seizes both and distributes the milk.
You wait in line for hours to get your week's allotment.
You only get a half-pint and it has already gone sour.

UNDER CAPITALISM

You have two cows.
You sell one, buy a bull, and build a herd of cows.

UNDER BUREAUCRACY, AMERICAN STYLE

You have two cows.
The farm subsidy program pays you to shoot one, buys the other's milk at an inflated price, and then pours the milk down the drain.

 

Non-Government Cow Management:

AMERICAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You form a corporation, lease the cows to it, and do an IPO.

Venture capital pours in.

You move to the Cayman Islands, leaving a resident manager who is directed to maximize milk production.
You are surprised when one cow drops dead from overwork.

You spin an announcement to the analysts stating you have downsized and are reducing expenses.

Your stock goes up.

FRENCH CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You go on strike because you want three cows.
You go to lunch and drink wine.
Life is good.

JAPANESE CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk.
They learn to travel on unbelievably crowded trains.
Most are at the top of their class at cow school.

GERMAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You engineer them so they are all blond, drink lots of beer, give excellent quality milk, and run a hundred miles an hour.
Unfortunately they also demand 13 weeks of vacation per year.

ITALIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows but you don't know where they are.
While ambling around, you see a beautiful woman.
You break for lunch.
Life is good.

RUSSIAN CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You have some vodka.
You count them and learn you have five cows.
You have some more vodka.
You count them again and learn you have 32 cows.
The Mafia shows up and takes over however many cows you really have.

AFGHANISTAN CORPORATION

You have all the cows in Afghanistan, which are two.
You don't milk them because you cannot touch any creature's private parts.
You get a $40 million grant from the US government to find alternatives to milk production but use the money to buy weapons.

IRAQI CORPORATION

You have two cows.
You accidentally kill them while trying to blow up a school bus full of children.
You blame the Americans.

POLISH CORPORATION

You have two bulls.
Employees are regularly maimed attempting to milk them.

FLORIDA CORPORATION

You have a black cow and a brown cow.
Everyone plans to vote for the best looking one.
Some of the people who actually like the brown one best accidentally vote for the black one.
Some people vote for both.
Some people vote for neither.
Some people can't figure out how to vote at all.

Finally, a bunch of guys from out-of-state tell you which one you think is the best-looking cow.

CALIFORNIA CORPORATION

You have millions of cows.
They make real California cheese.

The environmentalists demand they be banned because of methane production.
Only five speak English as a first language.
Most are undocumented.
Arnold likes the ones with the big udders.